When Kids Can’t Concentrate: How Eating Disorders Impact Our
Children’s Education
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Stolen Years: Struggling with Anorexia Since Age 12
Asha Bornhorst, Eating Disorder Survivor
Nine years ago I looked in
the mirror and was horrified at the image I saw staring back at me. I saw
someone who was gaining weight and –in my mind- becoming fat. It was at
this point I decided I needed to do something to change the disgusting
image in the mirror. For the next nine years this image would be my worst
and deadliest enemy. This was how my long journey with anorexia began.
I was twelve years old, entering junior
high as a seventh grader and going through a lot of transitions. Until
this point I had always been extremely active and very thin, so the weight
gain I experienced in my junior high years came as a complete shock.
Little did I know this weight gain was “normal.” I was just going through
puberty. I was very involved in sports from the time I was little. I
played soccer and had been in gymnastics since I was five. I also began
running cross-country and track at a competitive level.
Our running coach was always talking to
us about eating healthy and avoiding junk food. I knew girls on the team
who restricted what they ate. I decided if skipping meals worked for
them, it could work for me. So I gradually I lost weight but still I
wasn’t happy with myself. I hadn’t achieved that “perfect image” and the
more weight I lost the more I despised my body and myself. I remember my
track coach saying something to my father about how I wasn’t eating but my
father just blew it off and said that I ate at home so there was nothing
to worry about. Since he didn’t see my self-starvation as a problem, then
I didn’t have to see it as a problem.
My eighth grade year I was one of the top
junior high runners on the cross-country team and of course I attributed
this to the fact I wasn’t eating. This was also the year my parents
separated. The circumstances of which, greatly contributed to my eating
disorder. So it was an extremely difficult time for me and my eating
disorder continued to get worse and worse. People saw this but thought it
was from the stress at home and figured I would grow out of it.
In ninth grade I started purging. My
performance in school and sports was rapidly declining and the more it
declined the worse my eating disorder became. This was also the point
people realized I had a serious problem. I passed out at a cross-country
meet. At the hospital they discovered I was severely dehydrated and my
electrolytes were way out of balance due to restricting and purging. My
coach was very mad at me about this and said I needed to stop “this
behavior” or stop running.
I ended up going in for an eating
disorder assessment but since they said my eating disorder wasn’t bad, I
ended up not going to treatment. I went the next two years without
treatment and looking back now, I wish I had gotten treatment because it
could have prevented the eating disorder from really getting out of
control. I scared everyone but no one knew what to do. I wish they had
known what to do because to me not eating and purging was just a normal
part of my day, so I didn’t see it as a problem.
Meanwhile my performance in school was
drastically declining because I wasn’t eating. I took an advanced
placement test for my European History Class my sophomore year and I
couldn’t stay awake or concentrate at all during the four-hour test. I
ended up not doing well enough to get the college credits. This was just
the first of many things I would not achieve because of my eating
disorder. Then once I agreed to and went in for treatment, I was
terrified about what was going to happen at school. I didn’t want to miss
school and get behind.
My teachers were very
understanding when they found out I was going to be hospitalized. At this
point none of them knew I was going into the hospital due to my eating
disorder. They were willing to work with me and make accommodations. I
was in the hospital for two weeks and then I went into the partial
program, which was just during the day. After a week I had to go back
inpatient. At this point my teachers found out I was in the hospital for
eating disorders treatment. Some of my teachers were no longer supportive
when they found this out. One teacher actually asked me “why I wasn’t
better after spending all this time in the hospital.” A lot of people
thought just being in the hospital for a while would cure it, which is not
true. Another teacher told me I had to withdraw from his advanced
placement class because I had missed so much school and was so far
behind. This devastated me because I saw it as another way I had
failed. My teachers didn’t know much about eating disorders so they
didn’t know how to help or be supportive.
Not only did my eating disorder affect my
academic performance but it also affected my relationships with my peers.
I missed homecoming and my best friend’s birthday because I was in the
hospital. My friends didn’t really know what to think and it was awkward
when I told them I had an eating disorder. They would come visit me but
would be uncomfortable because they had never dealt with someone with an
eating disorder. They tried to be really supportive but by the time I
ended up in the hospital the third time, they distanced themselves because
they were scared and didn’t know how to help.
I spent most of my junior and senior
years in and out of the hospital. I had been kicked out of inpatient the
second time before I was ready because I ran out of insurance. They only
allowed thirty days and it was $1500 per day, which we couldn’t afford to
pay. I also ended up having to take a break from outpatient treatment
because I was out of those benefits as well. Since I no longer was in
treatment during such a critical time my eating disorder got extremely out
of control. Finally in April I was put in the partial program for almost
two months. At this point my school counselor told me I should consider
postponing my graduation. This was a major blow to me and I decided there
was no way I was going to postpone my graduation. I worked really hard to
keep up with my classes and I was able to finish my junior year. I took
the ACT and SAT tests to get into college and I ended up not scoring very
well on them. Had I not been struggling with exhaustion, malnutrition and
lack of concentration I know I would have done better.
College had been a dream of mine for as
long as I could remember and I wasn’t going to let anything ruin that. I
entered college doing really well. I continued to go back to my hometown
to see my therapist every other week. However as the challenges of
college life hit me, the symptoms of my eating disorder re-emerged. By
the end of October I was in medical danger and had to be hospitalized on a
medical floor. I then once again ended up in an inpatient program. I was
there for a month and as a result was forced to withdraw from one class.
My other professors said I could make up the work but not the class
participation, which greatly affected my grades. I was not happy with
myself at all. I was sick of the eating disorder taking everything away
from me.
By the end of January I was in medical
danger again. I was in the hospital for part of January term. I got mono
soon after and was struggling so heavily with anorexia that I was unable
to go to classes. I was told I needed to withdraw. My treatment team
knew I was in danger and so I made the decision to go to residential
treatment. I withdrew from school and was ready to go to residential
treatment, however at this point my insurance company reneged their
pre-authorization. I knew I needed to go into treatment or I was going to
die. My treatment team knew this as well. I couldn’t afford the cost of
treatment, especially since we already had thousands of dollars worth of
bills for treatment my insurance company had said they would cover but
hadn’t. So we fought the insurance company and finally they authorized
thirty days. This was not enough time for me to get back to a stable
weight and get control of my symptoms. So once again I was kicked out of
treatment before I was ready due to lack of benefits.
Since I had to withdraw from school, I
had to reapply. I had been told when I left there would be no problem
getting back in. This was not true. In August I was denied admission
because they didn’t think I was healthy enough to be on campus and they
didn’t want someone with a serious eating disorder on their campus. They
got reassurance from my treatment team that I was healthy but they
wouldn’t budge. Finally I was able to get back in under the condition
that I come up with a contract about how I was going to stay healthy and
agree to stay in treatment. I had to meet with people from the school and
they talked to my treatment team to see how I was doing throughout the
year.
I ended up getting back in for my
sophomore year and I tried to keep things under control but was unable to
and ended up in the hospital twice that year. I also entered residential
treatment this past summer. Once again I was only allowed thirty days and
had to leave before I had recovered fully. To this day I have been unable
to finish a treatment program due to lack of coverage by my insurance
company. If I had been able to finish a treatment program, some of these
hospitalizations could have been prevented. Each time I went into
residential treatment I was motivated to get better but at the same time
it was a very scary process and I was always kicked out before I had time
to get beyond the fear of getting better.
I came back to school this year and was hanging in there until
October, when things got out of control. I was in medical danger and
close to dying. I had been close to death before and had always just
blown it off but this time was different. I will never forget looking
into my boyfriend’s eyes and seeing the fear and him telling me he was
terrified he was going to lose me. I finally realized I was going to lose
the best thing that ever happened to me if I didn’t get better and I did
not want to lose him. I realized I couldn’t keep knocking on death’s door
and still achieve the goals I had. I also realized I needed to do it for
me, not for anyone else or just so I could get out of the hospital.
John’s unconditional love and support have helped me realize that I can do
this and it is a reminder of why I want to recover.
My struggle with anorexia goes much
deeper than just trying to achieve the “perfect image.” It wasn’t just an
adolescent phase or a temporary way to lose weight. It was something that
controlled my life and stole my self-worth and confidence. It has
prevented me from achieving my personal and academic goals. It has ruined
relationships with my family and friends; left me isolated and nearly
killed me. If you take anything away from my story take this: Eating
disorders are serious diseases and need to be treated as such because they
devastate lives as it has devastated mine. I am now only beginning the
long hard process of fixing and reclaiming what it has devastated and
taken away.
The road to get here has
been long and hard but I know that had I given up and quit treatment, I
would not be here to share my story. I owe a lot to my treatment team and
all the other people in my life that never gave up on me. I think it’s
important for people to realize that just because a person doesn’t get
better the first time doesn’t mean they can’t. Recovery is a process,
which takes time and a lot of hard work. The most important thing you can
do for someone is never give up on him or her. The biggest things I’ve
realized in the last nine years is that you have to keep getting back up
after you fall down and until you truly want to give up your eating
disorder for yourself, you won’t recover. People can try to keep you
alive but they can’t make you get better. I am finally realizing this and
deciding I want to get better for myself and move on with my life.
The briefing was held
Wednesday, February 26. We thank Representative Judy Biggert (R-IL) and
Representative Ted Strickland (D-OH) for hosting this briefing.
